Were you expecting an "About Us" page?  

No, this page tells what you are like to attract and get into a relationship with a borderline.

 
That's you, Baby:

Work Harder

She saw in you a good man who will give and give and give and give, and she thought "That's the man for me."  A man who thinks if he just keeps giving and works harder, that will solve it.  He'll jump on the hamster wheel of trying to fulfill her unending desires, and she finds that entertaining.  She wants that entertainment because she thinks it will fill the hole in her life created from feeling abandoned by her parents.  Because she needs you frantic to please her, she thinks, "So if things are going well, I'm going to f*** it up, because if things are going well you won't feel you have to please me and I'll lose that entertainment of watching you run around."  So she will create a state of constant chaos because she feels threatened by anything that takes that constant attention of your efforts away from her, gives her the opportunity to be still, or that leaves her alone with herself.                                     -S.T. from RI

How you got here

About You

There is no "About Us" page, but we do have an "About You" page listing the kind of person you are that makes you a target for toxic people.

K Mathis made the comment below on this video from Michele Lee Nieves on dealing with narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths and other toxic people:

Things that I think discourage people from trusting their gut instincts:

  1. Parents didn’t model good boundaries.
  2. Parents didn’t teach kids to respect their own boundaries.
  3. Parents hostile when kids speak their truth.
  4. Parents encourage kids to perpetuate a family lie.
  5. Teaching kids to always see the good in people and to endlessly forgive and turn the other cheek.

Unfortunately, this is what so many people are teaching kids when they think they are doing "good parenting."


That really sums it up perfectly.

The difference between your parents and the BPDs parents was that your parents were inherently good, considerate people, and taught you to be, but to a fault, a very big fault.

What do these good parents think they are teaching their children?

  1. Don't say "No."  Don't stand up for yourself.
  2. Be agreeable.  Do whatever you can for others.  Self love is selfish.
  3. Don't contradict your elders, especially in public.
  4. Be concerned about your family's image.  Our family is better than others, model good behavior.  Don't tarnish our reputation by ever speaking in public about anything that might look bad.
  5. Always give people the benefit of the doubt.

What does that leave you with?  Lot's of things that can't be done or said, making you perfect fodder for the BPD and providing her with perfect cover.  It will also lead you to mistrust your own instincts, making you fall prey to her gaslighting, with you constantly believing her kind words, and ignoring her cruel actions.

What it Feels like with a Borderline

About Your Life

One of the hardest parts about being in, and recovering from, a relationship with a borderline is that you can't describe it to anyone.  Nobody gets it.  And if you have not yet discovered there's a word for what you are experiencing, for the crazy way your lover, wife, or mother acts, you feel even more alone in this torture.  And until you do discover what Borderline Personality Disorder is, many are tricked into feeling that they are the crazy one.

Imagine trying to describe something crazy making to someone who has never experienced it.  Like the dead battery signal on your smoke detector to someone who has never seen one.  The beep isn't so bad, but add up a million beeps and it drives you crazy.  It's worse if it is intermittent, and you keep relaxing, thinking it has stopped at last and you can get some peace.  It's maddening if you can't find where it is coming from.  Unlike the smoke detector, the worst part is that no one who hasn't had it happen to them can possibly understand it.

With regular Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) it's often plain to see where the trauma comes from.  With Complex C-PTSD the trauma is inflicted over many years, so there isn't one (big) thing to point to.

Borderlines, unlike other sociopaths, don't steamroller you over.  Your parents may have taught you to avoid that kind of mistreatment, but you will miss the more subtle stuff like this because you believe people to be good, and try to be good yourself. Like the description of Chinese Water torture to the below, people who haven't witnessed what has been going on for years cannot see why you are so crippled or so upset over what appears to be a small thing. 

You know how they do Chinese water torture?  Strap you down and drop, drop, drop on the same spot on your forehead.  That's it, but after awhile it feels like someone is hitting your head with a sledgehammer.  My borderline ex was like that.  It's a million little things that take the life out of you.  It made it hard to describe to anyone what was happening.  It's like 'What? you just got hit by a tiny drop, what's the big deal?'  Thousands of them every week are a big deal.  It wore me down so much I started getting sick all the time, which only made her more angry with me, and then I'd try even harder.  Not being able to explain it to anyone was as bad as the abuse itself, and kept me in it for years.  -T.M. from MA

 

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