Borderline Personality Disorder
She's pretty. She's fun. She tells you she's your soulmate. So why is your life hell?
You're exhausted and worn out from her. Every time you gather the strength to leave, the abuse stops and she is suddenly madly in love with you again, at least until you are caught in her web once more. Living with her is like being in a cult. The way she treats you has become the metaphoric truck that has run you over; you still don't know what hit you, but you may be wishing a real truck would just put you out of your misery.
Below is a collection of real BPDquotes from real partners of borderlines to help you identify what you are dealing with and hopefully put an end to the abuse you've been suffering.
And if you have children together why do her needs always come first, and why do you continue to always wait a little longer for her promises to come through for them?
Something is wrong, but you just can't put your finger on it. You're getting worn out. The life has been sucked out of you. You visit doctors... Suicide might not be something you would ever consider, but you may be wishing you meet with a fatal accident. You can't identify what it is, because she has trained you to question the reality you see and to think it is you that is the problem. Your friends and even your relatives have stopped visiting, so you have no one to give you a reference point. Since only the friends she has chosen remain, all you hear is the opinion she has programmed them with. It will be years after you have finally freed yourself that you see that she has even staged scenes to create a false opinion of you with them. If you can just provide the next thing she wants, fulfill the next contract, at last there will be peace. Won't there? No, because the bar keeps moving. The borderline can never be satisfied. She is a bottomless pit of needs.
Actual quotes from real women with BPD
If you find yourself thinking "That sounds Familiar" to a number
of these examples, Get out and get help!
I love you. I'm just not in love with you.
When you hear this, RUN!
Get out of this relationship, FAST! This is her justification for all kinds of abuses, and is a sure sign you are with a borderline. She also knows that, being the goody two shoes you are, it means you will try even harder to please her when you hear this. In other words, she believes it gives her the right to USE you to fulfill her needs, and puts you in the position of working hard to fill them. And since you only exist to fulfill her needs...
If she isn't "in" love with you, then why is she still in this relationship with you? If she cared about you at all, if she were capable of loving you she wouldn't be.
You won't ever leave me, will you?!
The biggest fear of borderlines is abandonment.
She asks this for two reasons: borderlines are deathly afraid of being alone, and she is projecting: leaving you is exactly what she already has plans to do. The borderline already has plan B, C, and D lined up just in case. She often has already started one of those relationships because her security matters above all else, no matter who is hurt in the process. Borderlines will switch back and forth, like night and day, between telling you they hate you threatening to leave you and the next day being paranoid you are leaving.
We need to renegotiate.
That doesn't apply anymore.
That doesn't count.
I've changed my mind.
What you hear when it's her turn to hold up her part of the bargain.
The BPD woman will promise anything to get what she wants. She just never makes good on what she has promised. It can be frustrating to have her bail out on her end of an agreement again and again, but each time she proposes something even better to make sure you lose sight of the fact that the only person having her needs met is her.
It will take you a long time to see that you keep opting for better deals that never get fulfilled by her while she extracts more and more from you. she promises bigger after your side get fulfilled. Then promises even bigger once again when you have done your part, but she never does hers.
If you followed the circular logic she is using what she says each time amounts to something like "That doesn't count anymore because you didn't already fulfill the additional conditions I am imposing right now before I even imposed them. So you have to do all these extra things before I'll do my part. And each time you are a sucker enough to do it, there will be even more hoops to jump through just to get what I originally promised. Not that you'll ever get it, but I'll keep you trying so hard you'll never figure it out."
A borderline gets so used to renegotiating that she will announce at the end of working out an agreement "We can always renegotiate."
My ex was so used to getting her way that she couldn't conceive there would ever be any opposition to her, that a boundary would ever exist that she would have to observe. We were in mediation one day when she just announced we wouldn't be sticking to an agreement anymore because as she said "I've changed my mind." She was livid when I pointed out "Sorry, you signed that agreement, in court." I think she had no idea what an agreement actually is. In her mind anything doesn't suit her was automatically invalid.
No I didn't.
I never said that.
I was just joking.
The automatic replies that are instantly blurted out the instant the borderline gets caught.
In front of friends, judges, etc. There's a lot of lying, manipulation, and acting out when there are no witnesses. When she gets caught, or when you call to light what she assumed no one else will would see, she'll spit this out like any other nervous six year old would.
You will see a number of examples from our Narcissist in Chief, Donald Trump, in these pages. While narcissism has a few important differences from borderline personality disorder, having such a public figure with such an extreme case of it makes for a great illustration. These quotes are two of the biggest indicators that his insanity is sociopathic mental illness. The examples of his claiming "I never said that," even after recordings have shown that he did, are too numerous to list. During the coronavirus pandemic he had so little understanding of disease, and like a toddler assumed scientists and everyone else did too, that he recommended injecting and ingesting bleach and Lysol. When the stupidity of this was brought to light he claimed he was being "sarcastic," then healso tried to gaslight an entire nation by claiming he had never suggested it be used internally.
I need...
I need my own money.
I need a new house, an addition, a renovation [any big expense she can think of]!
Needing her own money never means earning it. She needs your money in her name, and she needs it now.
What you earn is a joint asset. What she earns, if she actually does work, is just for her. Even that isn't enough. Anything to wear you down so you transfer more assets into her name. Think you're safe because you own that house together, right? She has already figured out half of everything spent on your joint property becomes hers. She's been working to co-mingle your assets —yours with hers, not hers with yours— as much as possible before she divorces you or pushes you into an early grave and moves onto one of the guys she has waiting in the wings. When she does, she either takes half of whatever you put into joint assets with her, or she kicks you out of your own house.
When you run out of money —when she has gone through it all— she'll be gone in a heartbeat. Fastest way both to identify and get rid of a borderline? Run out of dough. Second fastest way? Live within your means. If there is money there, the borderline has to spend it.
To the borderline you are just a conduit for money, a tool for getting her needs met. Once she drained you, your bank account, your credit cards, it's onto the next source of supply she already has waiting in the wings. Sayonara sucker.
I've changed.
I'm totally in love with you now.
How many times are you going to jump back into that trap? Then she hates you again. Repeat.
Once you just can't live through any more of this and give any indication you might head out the door, she's suddenly seen the light and is in love with you. Oh bliss! For years you've been trying to get back to the rapturous love you had the first couple months of your relationship and now it's here. I can have that again? I'm in! Except you never had that in the first place. That was just the "love bombing" she did until she had hooked you as her new source of supply. When you come back this time that euphoria may last only hours or days, a week at most. Just enough to get you back on the treadmill of running after something you never really had. As long as her needs are being met she doesn't care, and one of her needs is energetic supply she gets just fromseeing you run until you are in a constant state of exhaustion.
I could never put someone else's needs in front of my own, not even my own child's.
I'm a torturer.
I'm a monster.
Nah, that couldn't be true, could it? Aww, once she sees that little face. And of course she's had a hard childhood herself, but with a guy like you giving her enough love, she'll come around to be just as loving as you are. Sucker.
Sorry, but you are. Even when the truth slaps you right in the face you can't even believe it.
Yes they do come right out and say things this shocking. So shocking you can't believe it's true. Since most victims of BPD's exploitation either came from a loving family, or were trained to consider everyone else's needs (but their own), you can't believe anyone could actually be like this. Surely your love will change her, and once she holds a helpless little baby, her motivations will be just like yours, won't they? No.
If you are thinking something she has told you about herself can't possibly be true, that it can't be that bad, listen to Kamala Harris. She said in the 2019 debates "My mother always told me 'Listen carefully when people first tell you who they are.'" Warning about the same person, a Harvard psychologist said "[He has a] bottomless need to place his own psychic survival above any protection of the public." Substitute the words "her own child" for "the public" and you've transformed that sentence from being about the national narcissist, to the borderline in your own home. More quotes on their bottomless needs in the sections that follow.
Their needs are three: self-preservation, self-justification and self-enrichment. Everything she does, every decision she makes, is guided by intense fear of abandonment on every level. Your love isn't going to cure her or even make her feel safe. She isn't there for the love, that is just a word she uses to get security while she drains you and your bank account of everything you've got. When both are depleted she is onto her next source of supply.
We can't communicate.
We need therapy.
Read: I am not getting my (very high) material needs met and it is your job to meet them.
Your job, your only purpose here, is to fulfill her needs. She needs another expensive trip, purchase, or a bigger house. It doesn't matter if you can't afford it. Mentally she is five years old. The budget is not something she understands or that applies to her.
So, in her mind, if you are not meeting her demands, obviously there is a communication issue here. You have one job, can't you understand what that is?
Obviously not, so she'll want to move onto therapy here, because you just aren't getting this right, but only to a therapist she can manipulate. Unless you happen to fall in with a very skilled therapist, who can see through this, you are in for a rough ride. If you do fall in with a skilledtherapist, she won't stay with her for long.
He's controlling.
What a borderline calls you when you don't go along with her controlling absolutely everything.
A borderline is the way she is because her life feels out of control to her. Even her creation of constant chaos makes her feel safer because she is the one controlling it. She's the one making everyone jump through hoops. She's the one driving everyone crazy, and she feels powerful and in control when it's her that makes that happen.
In her mind, you not going along with her controlling everything means you are the one that is controlling. Do not think she will be able to see this even if you can document that every decision has been made by her. This is what she is going to tell judges, lawyers, and friends to insure she gets her way.
The borderline is used to always getting her way, because you've been worn down by her so often it's just easier to give her what she wants, the moment she wants it. It's like being the parent of a 5-year old. We've all seen these parents give in when the child either throws a fit, or asks and asks and asks and demands. Only this "child" is damaged enough so she is like that all the time, and, unlike a real child, she is never going to grow out of this.
BPs can have absolutely no limits on their behavior. Expect trouble any time she doesn't get her way, including emptying your bank account The borderline must be in control at all times. That is why she is continually creating chaos and circular arguments. She needs you perpetually off balance and unable to get your footing. Because if you are able to think straight, there is a danger you will see through her.
You have made a unilateral decision without my consent, and against my explicit request.
But I want it.
What she says when you raise any objection to her unilateral decisions.
Her "request" is law for her. She expects automatic compliance with her expectations. It has never occurred to her she shouldn't get whatever she wants, that you should provide it, and acquiesce to her needs on demand. How do you go against a request anyway? You can go "against a demand," but not a request. Shows that she has no concept of what a request is. The clichéd term is actually "my explicit instructions" or "explicit order" and shows what her request mean to her.
This actual quote illustrates the true nature of borderline thinking: she thinks her request is something you must comply with, and has never considered that it could be any other way. So of course anything going against the way things "should" be it seems "controlling" or "unilateral." This is why when you point out some egregiously inconsiderate behavior their response can often actually be "of course!" instead of being shocked at the exposure of just how embarrassingly self-centered she really is. Maybe of course is it's own point.
It wasn't often my borderline wife let her mask slip, but when she got angry, which she always did when she didn't get her way right away, the hate led her to expose how she really is.
H: You always think of yourself first.
W: (angry H can't see that) OF COURSE!!
H: It's always you, you, you!
W: (vehemently angry and dead serious) That's right! It's me first, our son second, and you not at all.Want that to be even more shocking? It was in the midst of an argument about the importance of putting our child's needs first! When angered, the truth came out! -P.B. of ME
This is a real quote, but most borderlines will have the sense not to say this out loud, but it will describe the feeling of a great deal of what you hear. The will be upset that you have not learned that she will never let anything go any way but hers even when your children's health and welfare are at stake.
This is even the kind of response you will get from her when you are following a divorce agreement laid out by the courts or mediators and designed to be the procedure in exactly this kind of case with exactly this kind of problem. It was made to stop someone from making unilateral decisions, and to support the best interests of the child.
If you (try to) stick to an agreement either between the two of you, or one handed down by the courts, that's viewed as "controlling." Here it becomes clear that her use of "unilateral decision" means "not what I want and I want it now!"
He has something against me.
She's out to get me.
_____ is trying to drive a wedge between us.
They're just jealous of me.
He's jealous of your stepdad.
She's jealous of our marriage.
This is a common refrain of the borderline. You will hear it when someone has started to figure out the kind of person she is and what she is up to. The BP will also use it to alienate you from your support system: your friends, relatives, anyone seen as a threat.
The subtext here is she is telling you "DON'T LISTEN TO THEM," And she will start training you in this long before they have the chance to say anything bad about her. Corrupt politicians, crooked business people, and borderlines have been lying and ripping people off their whole lives. They have learned through a lifetime of experience to start shouting "Fake News" about everyone who is going to see the truth, before they have the opportunity to start telling it.
You might have believed her for a time and turned against everyone she accused, or at least disregarded the opinions of those people. Her attacks are vehement enough that you accepted them without evidence and never took the space to question "Why is it so many people seem to be 'out to get her'?" Instead you think "Poor girl, I'll stand by her side. She needs my support. She needs me to stick up for her. I'll be her knight in shining armor."
She says these things to keep you from listening to anyone else. She has to discredit them, and she'll do it ahead of time, before they figure her out. Her plan is to make you think everyone is attacking her so you are predisposed to jump to her defense before you can even begin to consider the warnings they might give you. If you are hearing these phrases from your wife or girlfriend, that should be warning enough.
She wants you to be in the position of defending her long before the trouble starts and will use these tactics to alienate you from everyone in your support system that can give you rational feedback.
"She's got something against me" is also equally applied to any friend, acquaintance, or family member who has her figured out as well. Father, friend, sister says one word to protect you from sacrificing your life and health to meet her needs they are "trying to drive a wedge between us."
The BPD wife or girlfriend seeks to alienate you from your own family and friends. She needs to cut you off from your support system so that you only receive her point of view. She tricks you into defending her so you under her complete control and all information gets filtered through her and the lens she wants you to see her. She thinks this keeps her safe so she and keeps the way she operates from being exposed. The borderline lives in constant fear. Everything is a threat.
We need a new therapist.
That mediator is not skilled enough.
He's got something against me.
She's out to get me.
In other words, either the therapist or mediator has her figured out, or she isn't able to manipulate them.
So it's time to move onto someone she can manipulate. But wait! How many therapists can be out to get her? Every one she runs into? And you don't have to hear this line from her often to be worried, because if her BPD manipulation skills are high enough the therapist won't even know what hit them. You might find you are being counseled for issues you don't even have while she runs circles around the therapist.
If you are "co-"parenting —more like counter-parenting to mitigate the damage she causes— with a borderline, you'll find yourself seeing mediator after mediator and therapist after therapist. Each new one is a fresh start for her to be able to ignore the track record of broken agreements and start with someone who hasn't yet caught her in a series of lies.
We'd been through a lot of unskilled therapists and mediators over the years. The few that were skilled she never stayed with long. One that really had her number nicknamed her "The Therapist Shredder." I don't know why, but she confessed to me about every therapist she'd ever seen "I never told them anything." I'd give her everything she wanted, and when she'd want more, she'd just move onto another one that didn't know her history and get a fresh start on getting everything and giving nothing.
So we were onto a new counselor and I heard the usual "Well Mr. Victim, can't you meet her halfway?" Like a twisted version of Zeno's Paradox, I had already met her halfway so many times we were already 99% of the way to her having everything once again. This time I had the strength to get past her prohibition on bringing anything up from the past and reeled off a list of all the times I had given in and all the damage it caused to our child. Once she was caught, my crazy ex started screaming all the ways she was going to harm our child in order to get back at me. Now that my ex is exposed, and knowing she'll get caught in a series lies if she goes back, she's now working hard to create excuses not to go back. -P.P. of FL
If she runs up against this because her manipulation has failed and her tactics are out in the open, she will instead attack the professional's qualifications and abilities. "He doesn't have the skills. She isn't resourceful. She isn't responsive." And she'll just make up new reasons each time you show her accusations are baseless. The accusations of the counselor usually come because screaming and threatening when she didn't get her way exposed what she was really up to. Something as simple as a request to explain her reasoning can set her off in this way because she has no reasoning. She wants it her way, you should give it to her, if you can't understand that you are the unreasonable one and deserve her threats.
My ex tried to tell our mediator I had to pay for everything because she claimed she didn't make as much money as me. The mediator understood she still had basic parental responsibilities. Days after she mediation she added two additions onto her house, remodeled, and bought a new car. Soon after she bought a house nearly twice as expensive. Now she thinks she's trying to prove the best mediator in town is incompetent so she won't have to go back. -T.M. of MA
[anything]
The borderline will say anything to get what she wants.
She will promise anything knowing she will never have to live up to it. She has no intention of fulfilling her promises. When she gets caught and is asked to fulfill her part of the bargain, she'll just promise something even bigger. Once you have fulfilled your part of the bargain again, the cycle repeats. You will get caught in this for awhile because she can make up new lies faster than you can sift through them.
I want... I want... I want...
I never asked for that.
I was just asking.
You can always say no.
I'm just saying.
So she never has to be grateful and feels no obligation to ever do anything for you.
Daily suggestions of what she wants, what someone else has, what someone else does for her friend, slowly subliminally programming you. Eventually you'll do whatever it is, and after awhile you might learn nothing ever gets done for you. You are responsible for her happiness, but you are not allowed to have needs.
"Oh, I'm not saying you have to get that (or do that) for me, I'm just saying how much I love it [over and over and over for days, weeks, and months]. Then if you ever bring up anything you've done for her, "Well I never asked you. It was your decision." So she never has to do anything for you, and you can continue to work to fulfill her needs because that is all you are here for.
Just asking? Yes. She was asking. And asking. And asking. And you did say no, one hundred times, but since they never take no for an answer, she will eventually wear you down. If there is one thing a Borderline can't take, it's the setting of any boundary.
"Oh, I don't need that. I have to have that." But she keeps bringing it up. Every day. "Ken got Barbie a Dream House and a pink Corvette." But we can't afford it. "Well, I'm just saying." They are experts at planting the idea, making you feel obligated to do it, dropping the hints so subtly you even think it's your idea. Then once you've fulfilled it they are onto something else they want. We can't afford that, I just got you a ______. "Oh, but I never asked you for that."
I'll do that for you.
Let me help.
Wait. What?! I thought you said they only think of themselves. Yes, they say that; they just don't do it.
They do. She is. The borderline is always willing to do anything for you; they just never actually do it. Remember this very important rule: pay attention to the actions, not the words. She will almost never actually do it, and don't be fooled by the few times she actually does. She'll put on a show of offering either to you or in front of her friends, but it won't likely happen.
In fact, you'll later find yourself doing it. Maybe she offers to take care of something, but when it comes time to do a simple task she'll just throw up so many obstacles, and ask so many questions, you'll find it easier to just do it yourself. Once she has you conditioned, she won't even have to wear you down with that. You won't even think of taking her up on her offer. She doesn't have to refuse to do anything, because you have been subconsciously programmed to know that it is too much work to let her do a thing.
"My wife was always offering to help me do the dishes. It took me years to figure out that she was only doing that when her friends were there to witness her offering. After a minute of washing, the moment her friends left, there was always some imaginary ailment that required her to stop immediately." -S.P. of OH
"Is there anything I can do to help?" is said loudly and frequently once there is nothing left to do. This is especially likely to be repeated once your frustration becomes visible after you have been working frantically for hours when she didn't lift a finger. Gullible you will be left thinking she really was willing help all along. Here's a test: say "Thanks. That would be great." Then sit down and watch what happens. I'll give you a hint: it doesn't involve her actually doing any work.
Often the borderline will only offer "I can do that for you" after it is set in stone that someone else is going to do it. If you do take her up on her "offer," watch the look of dismay flash momentarily across her face. Then she will graciously make plans to do it. That is, until the time comes when she is supposed to do what she agreed to, to make an effort for someone besides herself. Then she will find an excuse to back out, or just make it such a hassle it isn't worth having her do it.
Look how much I did for you. Wow, did I ever do a lot. I'm so exhausted. Nobody has ever done more than I have...
With all the talking you might feel she actually did something big for you. You are so desperate to think someone cares for you that you overlook that she talks for 20 minutes about 1 minute of effort.
When she actually does do something for you she will never stop talking about it, and blow it all out of proportion to what she actually did. "Wow she really does love me" you think, not realizing that as she was out spending thousands of your dollars on herself, she picked up a trinket for you. "I searched in store after store after store looking for the perfect boxers for you." The two parts of the sentence are true, just not when put together. She did search through a lot of stores when she was spending thousands of dollars of your money on herself, then grabbed a package of boxers at the checkout counter in the last one.
Yes, "Nobody has ever done more than I have," is something you have also heard from Trump. It's a sign of narcissists as well.
(beep) Can you call me back? It's very important. (beep)
I need to talk to you about something important.
I have a surprise for you.
Important messages on your voicemail that don't specify anything about the urgent situation. Now don't you think if it was something that urgent or important that she would leave you some information about it?
If it was that important, she'd leave some details. Why doesn't she? She doesn't want you to be prepared. She cannot leave you time to think it over. Not leaving any details is always a sign she is going to manipulate you.
When she does get back to you, she will need the answer —and the only acceptable answer to a BP is approval— right that second. When pressed for an immediate decision, the important words you can say to a borderline are "Let me get back to you on that." Never make a decision the moment she asks for it. You will never be skilled enough to avoid the manipulation. Anytime she needs the answer right now, your answer should be "No." Every time you do agree without having time to consider it carefully, once you think it over later, or once you see the results of what you've agreed to, you will regret it. That's why she didn't leave you any information to start thinking about it in the message.
There was always a reason she my children's mom needed the decision made right now. "I've already made the flight reservation and they will only hold it until 5:00," and it's 3:30 right now. Well, she shouldn't have made it before okaying the dates with me. She can always make a new reservation two days from now, after we've had a discussion and come to an agreement.
We have kids and when I fell into the trap of answering right away, I always found out later I'd been had. I'd lost my weekend with the kids, or those dates weren't during break and the kids missed weeks of school. I was always stuck cleaning up a mess she'd made: missing weeks of work, catching the kids up on homework that she refused to do with them, or nursing them back to health. I love helping my kids, but it got exhausting subsidizing her crazy lifestyle. -R.B. of MI
I don't know what I want but I want it now.
Is there more?
And you had better get it for her. No, get that. No I want that instead. They can never be satisfied.
"I don't know what I want, but I want it now. My ex actually said that, frequently, and she was proud of it. My father described her as the 'Bottomless Pit of Needs.'" -H.M. of CA
Seeing you running around trying to fulfill them is more important to her than the need itself, and once you fulfill one need she is already on to the next. She wants to see you constantly acquiescing to her wishes and tying yourself in knots trying to please her.
This is a greatly multiplied version of the first paragraph from Tolle's description of "The Ego's Search for Wholeness."
More from his section on "Don't Seek Yourself in the Mind": "The ego's needs are endless. It feels vulnerable and threatened and so lives in a state of fear and want." We all have that, this ego part of us. In the borderline that is all they have. It is magnified 300 times; it is all they are. There is no part of them that feels safe and loved, only desperate. They live in a constant state of fear, and every decision is made from fear. Since they don't want to be healed, the only thing that makes them feel safe is seeing you desperately trying to fulfill their constantly changing needs. And those needs are constantly shifting because they want to convince themselves the problem is "out there" and not within themselves.
"Thank you" is not in the BPD's vocabulary. There is no gratitude. There are only requests for more. It's not about whatever thing she is asking for; it's about feeling in control. The borderline wants whatever she can't have. There can be absolutelyno boundaries, and no limits on her behavior.
Do borderlines want to have their cake and eat it too? No, they want to have their cake and eat yours instead.
I don't remember doing that.
I never said that.
No I didn't.
Basic gaslighting, like the popular phrase of politicians: "I don't recall..."
They get to tell themselves "not remembering," at least pretending not to, is not actually lying.
"For months my wife severely and purposefully emotionally abused our child to enrich herself. When I brought up in front of our social worker she said "I don't remember doing that." You did or you didn't. She did. It's not something you just aren't clear on." -A of USA
"I never said that." Want to see a BPD get really angry? Show them that they did. Find the notes, play the recording, produce the signed agreement. Then run for cover because they will either explode or start in on some serious gaslighting. It won't get you anywhere though, and will only insure that she makes sure to never legally agree to anything again, because if there is one thing a borderline can't stand it is rules and boundaries.
Borderlines believe the rules don't apply to them.
I totally support you, but I don't have the money.
Maybe your father will pay for it.
I only want the best for you.
Here's one for the kids of a BP mom. Another example of promising everything knowing she'll never have to deliver.
Promises cost them nothing.
For years my ex promised for our daughter that she would take her to DisneyWorld when she turned 10 years old. My kid looked forward to it for years. When she reached the magical age she was told "Maybe your father will take you," and I got blamed for not delivering. -W.P. from OR
My son got admitted to study abroad. His mom had never contributed a dime to his education, so he asked for help with the costs of this program. She told him 'I totally support you, but I don't have the money.' I knew this was a lie because she was spending all sorts of money on herself for vacations, all inclusive resorts, and remodeling, but I covered the cost for his sake. His mom even backed out of covering clothing and food for him. Then she and her fiancee took yet another international trip for themselves." -A.H. from MA
What does "I totally support you" mean when it is always followed by an unspoken "I'm just not going to do anything to help you."? There always seems to be plenty of money for the BPD mom's every whim, but she just "can't afford it" when it comes to her children. There is nothing you wouldn't do to help and protect your children. There is nothing she wouldn't do to exploit or make money off them. "My ex even admitted she'd had a child just to get more money in the divorce." -A from USA If you are the kind of dad who would do anything for you child, the BPD mom has found the perfect pawn for her chess game.
Well if you don't need me...
Borderlines have great impatience at any idea of having to help someone else out.
Everyone is there to serve her needs. Like a small child she can't imagine there are any needs besides her own. Additionally, she has to be the center of attention. So if she is a helper, and not having everyone else at her beck and call, as soon as there is any break in her being an instrumental part of things she's gone. If a decision has to be made or something put into place, and the borderline has the incovenience of waiting for half a minute, you'll hear something like "Well if you don't need me, I'll just go." If it's not all about her, she sees it as a waste of time.
You will later learn that it's not just helping you or your friends, the borderline has an aversion to work of any kind, and manual labor is an insult to her.
Just ask him. Ask him if he ______.
This is a scary one when you realize how often you'd been set up by the BP to unwittingly verify a false story about yourself to friends.
The borderline is an expert at mounting a smear campaign against you, so expert that you've likely been tricked into affirming her lies more times than you know. The BP will tell a horrific story about you to your friends or hers. She'll weave in large parts that are true: the setting, something you actually did say, something that did happen that day. At first the friends' reactions may be skeptical. Then she will tell them "It's true. Just ask him," but what she asks them to verify will be some innocuous part of the story that actually is true knowing they will accept the whole thing: "Ask him we were at Chez Paul and he spilled red wine on his pants." "Ask him if he didn't pull off the road a week ago." What they don't verify is the parts that polite people don't talk about, and those are the parts she made up. "...and he told the waiter I was stupid bit**." "...and he screamed at me and threatened me." Or whatever.
I didn't know what my girlfriend was up to until I read about it on your website. Friends were always taking me aside and asking me about weird little details about something my girlfriend and I did together years ago. I could never figure out why they were asking me these things. I didn't think to notice the look of shock that flashed across their faces or that they would suddenly get nervous and change the subject. Years later, one friend talked with me about everything she said about me. When I contradicted him, he told me "But you said it was true." "No I never heard that part from you. I just said I was there." My whole town must think I'm violent in crazy, because she did that all the time. -G.A. of AL
Notice she never asks them to verify the actual accusation. It's verify the place you were at, but not that you hit, threatened, accused, lost your temper, had an affair, etc. And if she sees they don't verify or once they stop verifying, she knows they will believe anything she tells them.
My daughter kept asking about odd little details of things I'd done with her mom. Then she'd look completely shocked at my answer. After awhile I asked her about it and she was very evasive. Later she started telling me completely awful things that I'd said. When I pointed out that I'd never said that,she was adamant, "Yes you did. I know you did. When I learned to ask, "Did you hear me say that?" Her eyes would get wide with the shock of the realization she'd been had. It was useless to defend myself though, she'd just go back and tell her mom she'd learned the truth and her mom would either hit her with a new set of lies or twist it around so much that my daughter suspected me no matter what. Although I never lost my temper, my daughter developed a fear of my "anger" from her mom's brainwashing. -T.M. of MA
Why does she tell these stories? She needs everyone on her side. She needs them all against you so they will help her manipulate you. And when she eventually discards you and moves onto her next victim, she has the smear campaign for you already in place. You can't defend yourself when everyone has been hearing this propaganda for years.
. . .
It's not in the words. The biggest indicator is that underlying but overwhelming feeling that something is wrong but you just can't put your finger on it.
It's hard to identify when the one doing the damage is the one pretending to help you and constantly reassuring you that she loves you and has your back. It is so hard to figure out that you are telling everyone your life is great, that your wife, girlfriend, or mother is always thinking of you, is your best friend, when inside you hurt so much you could be nearly suicidal.
There is a deep confusion of trying to convince yourself of the same things the BPD convinced you of but all you feel is a hurt you don't understand.
Remember, the words are just another red flag. What she says, these quotes here, are just something to help you identify the feeling you have that tells you this relationship is not right. It's not the words that tell you, rely on your feeling. Trying to logic this out has kept you from acknowledging what you already know.
Your feelings are the best identifier of who you are dealing with, and because of the misinformation campaign the BPD mounts, your thoughts may prevent you from understanding the real cause. The quotes on this page only serve to validate what you are already feeling so that you will take action. One expert on dealing with toxic people says :
Get used to losing sleep, feeling anxious, restless, less in control, becoming increasingly worried, perhaps even developing psychosomatic ailments. Those insecurities are your subconscious talking to you, telling you to escape.
[Anything said with such absolute certainty you dare not question it.]
This will eventually become a red flag that she is lying. Until it does, you will fall for it again and again.
And so will your friends, your family, the judge, social workers.
My own mother-in-law told me how often she got caught in her own daughters lies and manipulations because "she says these things with such absolute certainty you dare not question it." This became my number one way to tell she was lying. The other ways were: 2) She said she was doing something for, or needed something for, the good of our child. 3) She volunteered information. 4) Her lips were moving. A cliche, I know, but it was better to assume that until proven otherwise that she was lying or manipulating because it was nearly always the case that she was. -A from USA
Here is a handy rule of thumb on how to know if a BP is lying to you: if you are giving her the benefit of the doubt, STOP.
Let's work together.
We need to communicate better.
When all else fails "try being nice" is often the last step in the BPD playbook.
My daughter's mom put her through all kinds of abuse, and let her partners abuse her too. When she hit my son and dragged him upstairs by the neck I called the police. When she called me screaming insanities, I calmly asked her to give him time to adjust and maybe not force her to call her boyfriend "Dad" after moving him into the guy's apartment a couple weeks after they met. Her response was to scream "Well he better get used to it RIGHT NOW!'"
A couple of days later she slipped into maximum gaslighting mode and called up trying to blame [the violence] on me saying 'We need to communicate better.' Really? She abused him, hit him when he couldn't adapt on her crazy schedule, and we need to communicate better? How about she stops hitting him and considers his needs instead of forcing him to adapt to hers on her schedule? I said, "I don't think communication is the issue here. How about you stop abusing him?" Her reply was "Don't you care about your son?" I didn't say this, but my inner reply was 'Yes, that's why I don't hit him." -J.P.S. from SC
That's all in the past.
We need to work on forgiveness.
I don't understand why they are so upset with me.
He's always bringing up the past.
He's still angry about the divorce.
You can't bring that up.
You've been walked on and used enough that you finally managed to set a firm boundary.
Now the borderline's goal is to make you forget it. In saying these things they want to get people to forget the boundary is there and "start over." That want a fresh slate not so everyone can heal, but so that they can manipulate you more and get more out of you. Remember the supply the borderline needs isn't just money, there is a term with B-cluster personalities called "Narcissistic Supply." That means the energy they get from controlling you.
"I don't understand why he is so angry. I only want the best for him." This is constantly said to throw observers, from friends to the courts, off the track and most people fall for it. They know exactly why you are upset with them and you have good reason to be. They have had great success with this line and it is one of the best identifiers of borderlines and narcissists. It is a hallmark of narcissists, borderlines, preadators, parasites and other master manipulators. They know exactly what they did, what they continue to do, and why you should be wary of them.
Here is what happened to some who heard this line:
My ex hit my daughter, emotionally abused her, threatened her welfare to extort money, let her partner molest her and told everyone she didn't understand why I was so angry.
My borderline sister physically attacked me and told everyone she didn't understand what I was upset with her about, that she was willing to change, and only wanted the best for me.
My neighbors tried to steal our land and made sexual comments about our young daughter. Now they tell everyone in town they don't understand why we are angry and "but that was in the past."
"They," their victims, aren't angry. They are trying to protect themselves and their loved ones from the borderline. It's not "all in the past" because the borderline continues to threaten them or their children. Borderlines use this line to set others up to buy into the smear campaign they will create against you. First, cast yourself as the victim and gain sympathy. Then, disparage your victim in the guise of "wanting to help."
The past is past, but after 100 instances of the same kind of taking advantage or abuse, what do you think is going to happen the 101st time? There is not past; it's pattern. You can forgive, but that does not mean you shouldn't set firm boundaries. You can forgive the first car that almost runs you over, and the second and third, and every car thereafter, but after that you learn to stay away from the street.
Whomever she is gaslighting about you now, whether friends, courts, or mental health professionals, may believe it's all in the past, but you have enough experience to know that it never stops happening. "I'm willing to change," she says, but she never does.
My mom is my best friend.
But her mom is abusive, neglectful, manipulative, or only interested in herself.
This seems like an endearing phrase until you get how screwed up her family life is. You don't escape a childhood like hers without some serious scars. After you learn what her family is really like it may still take a long time to realize how shocking this statement is.
Borderlines get so manipulative and fear abandonment so greatly because they were abandoned in childhood. But but it isn't the typical abandonment of their parents get sick, or leave them, or die. They are abandoned and their parents are right there. Their parents aren't gone, they just don't care for the child, take care of them, maybe they are drunk and don't ever get out of bed, or they are abusing each other. In the worst of cases, the very ones who are supposed to be protecting them are the ones abusing them, physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. Sometimes that feeling of abandonment can be triggered by a smaller thing like finding herself alone in a shopping mall or an emotionally unavailable or manipulative mother.
The borderline child gets frozen at this stage in her development and remains stuck at the development of a five year old for the rest of her life. She'll be able to present herself as an adult, look and act like she knows what she is doing, but inside there is a desperate little child who only knows how to meet her needs by manipulating the adults around her. The problem for you is that you will think you are dealing with an adult with rational goals and logical ways of achieving them, and can't fathom the responses you get from her. When you begin to see how crazy it all is, you still assume that a caring and loving approach will be returned with love if you just try a little harder.
(ring) Is [your name]there?
The borderline can never be alone for a second. She can also will try to keep you from engaging with your support system or having any time to yourself to reflect.
My son is married to a borderline. He was never allowed to visit with me. If he walked over to my house, the phone rang the instant his foot crossed the threshold. She would keep him on the phone for the entire time he was here, often an hour or even two. It was like she was counting the steps until he got here, and she kept him wrapped up in her until he left. -M.K. of MA
I was never allowed to have my own thoughts. If I looked away for her for a moment at dinner, there was hell to pay. I remember walking into town just to have a moment to myself. She didn't have any idea where I was going, because I didn't know. I walked into a gift shop. The cashier was on the phone. She looks up at me. "Is your name Mike? It's for you." She must have called every store in town looking for me. She kept me on the phone as long as she could with nothing of any importance at all. I could never be alone. Never gather my thoughts, not even for a second. I couldn't even take a sh** by myself without her coming in so all my attention would be on her at every moment. -M.T. of MA
Don't you dare go out that door, or I'll leave you!
If you LEAVE don't ever come back.
Odd for someone whose biggest fear is being alone to threaten to leave, but they always do. That is the biggest threat they can think of.
These aren't guys who are leaving the relationship who are being threatened this way. They are just headed out with a friend, or to run an errand, even to go to a job interview. The borderline cannot tolerate anything that takes you away from them and are incensed if you do anything to have your own life.
My ex was always threatening to leave me. If I went to the store she would throw a fit. If I ever wanted to see a friend, or talk to one on the phone, there was always something she needed and it better be done right now. I remember one time I was on my way to a job interview, I was running late, because she kept finding small tasks that she said had to be done right that minute. Finally I went to rush out the door with just enough time to make it to the interview. She physically blocked the door and would not let me out, threatening to leave me if I went out the door. I got there late, and only later realized she was trying to make me miss the interview and lose the job so I could cater to her 24/7. It was really crazy.
Before that I'd sensed something was wrong when she was eagerly offering to mail resumes for me because she never offered to do anything for me. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on at the time, but later realized why none of my resumes ever got there. -B.K. of MD
What would you say if I told you _______?
PAY attention. Whether she is talking about a hypothetical situation about herself or she wanting your opinion of what her "friend" did, this is about her and her only.
Many BPDs know they are monsters and torturers and may even refer to themselves as such so you will argue against them. They want your opinion of their "friend" because they lack a moral compass and want to know how what they have done will be perceived by others if they ever knew. You do know: if borderline is asking you this kind of question it is as good as a confession.
My wife was always asking me what I thought of something her friend did. Or she would ask me what I would think if she did something really horrible. She would ask about wives who kept secret bank accounts. She asked what I would think if she had a baby in order to get a bigger divorce settlement. I always thought these were hypothetical cases until she started screaming during our divorce "I only stayed with you so long because I was waiting for your dad to die." When she admitted the entire marriage had been a scam to get more money, the evidence that every hypothetical question was true fell into place too. -A from USA
I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
My ex has BPD.
Is that in the right column? Isn't she the borderline one?
Yes, but once they catch wind of the fact that you know they are borderline, they'll start accusing you of it. Remember what everyone said of President Trump (who was a textbook narcissist not a borderline) "There's an easy way to tell what he is guilty of. Whatever he is up to is what he is accusing everyone else of doing."
There are two reasons for this: 1) Projection is a huge symptom of BPD 2) This is a classic maneuver to deflect attention from themselves. Every narc and borderline does it, every dictator does, too. It's just another part of the smear campaign against you, and she will manipulate your children into saying the same things.
I don't know why he just exploded like that!
Borderlines are experts at setting up a scene and then feigning surprise at what they have created.
It is beyond rational thinking for you to understand that anyone would do this, so even after it has happened several times you are unlikely to catch on. A borderline will scream at and harass her victim mercilessly just out of earshot or just before the guest arrive. Then when her man storms off, is grumpy, or reactive she pretends to be bewildered by the very reaction she worked so hard to elicit. They need to have everyone in your circle turned against you before they discard you and move onto their next source of supply.
Once she has him totally worn down, it's like setting off an abused dog barking with just a discreet pull on his chain.
When my wife's lawyer told her she wan't going to get much money from our short term marriage [she later told me] she set off trying to get pregnant and trying to get me to hit her in order to get a big settlement. She was very upset that she could never get me angry enough to even raise my voice and would shout at me "Why won't you hit me? What are you some kind of fag?" Her goal was to get pregnant or put me in jail so she could get more money. During our divorce she told me 'The only reason I stayed with you so long is that I was waiting for your dad to die (so I could get the inheritance).' Ha! there wasn't one.
We had over 10 years together before I figured out she had been playing me to make our friends think I was angry and grumpy. This kind of scene played out so many times over the years and I never caught on until our divorce started. She asked if it was okay if she had a friend over for lunch even though she'd agreed I'd have the house to myself that day. I said fine if she didn't mind if I was upstairs working.
Twenty minutes before he arrived she started screaming at me to get out of the house. I was totally confused by her anger, and the sudden irrational change. As he pulled in the driveway, she amped it up so much that I didn't feel safe and headed out the door. As she walked outside it was like she flipped a light switch to a completely different personality. She greeted him cheerily, and said to me, "Bill, don't you want to join us for lunch?" She was expecting me to say "NO!" and storm off as anyone would. This time I finally realized what she had been doing all these years and replied "But Jane, you just spent the last 20 minutes screaming at me to get out of the house."
She was caught, and I saw the fear of being exposed pass over her and she quickly stammered "Oh, I was just joking." It was a huge shock to realize she had been setting me up like this hundreds of times. In years the followed I was told by so many friends they were told "Not to bring up this or that with Bill because he'll get angry." Not only did this keep them from finding out her stories weren't true, it must have them think I had a bad temper they'd never seen, while her biggest complaint to me was that she could never get me angry no matter how hard she tried! - B.G. from AZ
You're so wonderful.
You're a genius.
Wow! You did that so well.
"Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words! Show me! —Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady
Lots of empty praise.
The Borderline consistently works to maintain your cognitive dissonance that keeps you from realizing you are in relationship with someone who is using you and has no love for you at all with the constant distraction of words, words, words. There is a huge divide between real support and the shallow praise you get from a borderline. Learn to recognize the difference.
In fact, the psychopath, particularly Borderlines, can give that shallow praise while they are undermining your efforts and dreams. Your aspirations aren't necessary and distract you from serving them. Their underlying purpose is to even erode your personality, make you so insecure, to the degree that you are only of use to them. So it is important to look at actions not words, and pay attention to your feelings above your thoughts, what you've been conditioned to believe.
Expect a lot of empty praise and a lot of talk about how much they support you. That can lead you to believe they care, but when you look back at the people who cared enough to actually help you, to do something to move you closer to your goal, you will see it was never the borderline. The last thing they want is for you to actually achieve those goals, or do anything that might make you healthy enough, strong enough, to escape them, at least until they have used up everything you have. Until then, it is critical that you do not have your own life, anything that will separate you from them. When you have nothing left, it's on to the next victim.
The Borderline Translator
You're my soul mate.
You have money.
We're a good team.
I can manipulate you. There is something I can get from you.
I agree to...
If you don't get it in writing, I can screw you.
What is best for our child...
You are a caring person. I will use that as kryptonite against you and threaten our children's welfare to get what I want.
© Copyright Borderline Quotebook